Whether it’s down the road or around the globe, getting there is unavoidable. While we do not condone some of these methods and will not bail you out of goal if you are caught; scamming a free ride is something of an art. Here are some of the best ways to get around on the cheap.

Stick out your thumb and wait for someone to pick you up. Hitchhiking can lead to lifelong friendships or road side bloody rape scenes. Be careful to always keep your wits about you and carry something sharp in the need of an emergency. Usually though in Czech Republic you will have no problems and meet some bloody cool people as you thumb around. Travel tips: wash, make a sign and be friendly and agreeable. It helps when someone directs a 4 hour long pro diatribe at you to learn to nod and smile while sleeping.

Work on ship – cruise – container
While this one technically isn’t free since you are working as you go, it is still a pretty good way to get from A to B and with a little bit of cash in your pocket once you get there. Usually ships require you to have some kind of training or experience which in Czech Republic means goofing around in a massive swimming pool for two months before. But of course there are some less scrupulous captains that will let any peg legged, eye patched bozo on board, avoid!

One sure fire way to avoid having to deal with ticket collectors, hiding in toilets or shipping containers is stealing. Hot wire that Škoda and hoon off into the sunset as the trail of police sirens follows like a bridal gown. Once at your destination be sure to destroy the evidence. The last thing you want after a long journey is some nosey parker coming asking questions, if they do, shoot’em.

Back in the day when you mentioned free travel, chances are some hobo would spit on the ground grumble about prohibition and point his bindle in the direction of the train lines. Riding the rails was the standard for free travel back then, but still, fraught with danger – do expect rape, drugging, folk music, and possibly murder.

When I was going over this list my friend told me I was missing one very important method in the art of free travel. Bursting into a hopeless mess of tears will apparently get you far if you’re a cute little Danish girl. For the rest of you non-prescription glasses wearing, unshaven folk out there maybe there is more chance of tying your nutsack to a kite in a violent storm.

And so, you cheap skates “on the lamb” I wish you bon voyage as you set across this land of possibility in search of whatever the hell you guys search for. There are possibilities galore to those who don’t need to be anywhere soon and these are by no means the limit of how you can get there, but do be sure to remember that along with all the romantic ideals of burning across the countryside with the wind in your hair and a song in our heart there is also the pointless hours standing freezing in the rain waiting for that opportunity to show itself.